A Heart for Loving
Love and sex are in the heart and in the senses. The expression "to make love" usually means that the senses have won over the heart whereas the expression "to love forever" suggests that the heart has taken over the senses. In order for a course to be serious, the students must be put to work. They learn better when they are allowed to think things out by themselves. Therefore they were given two assignments: one about a heart for loving and the other about the sensation of love. As food for thought, they had some texts. And to help the mind grasp reality, they were presented with a contrast.
First a heart for loving.
In previous times, when people were Christian, students were asked to explore the world revealed by God and the world as it reveals itself. The perspective of the author and the perspective of his work were thus distinguished and complemented each other. Now that people have divided into a multitude of contradictory opinions, God's perspective has become an opinion amongst others, and hardly the most popular at that. But that opinion could be legitimately called upon in an exploration of love and sex. Some students were under the impression they were believers: so why not have them realise whether they were or not? A first condition to be true towards oneself and towards others is to know oneself. Other students didn't care for Christian beliefs. Well, their own unbelief could be examined. But, more importantly, human love in our land grew within the womb of the Church. If our heart wanted to know itself, it had to go back to its roots, eiher to keep growing from them or to ascertain its reorientation.
If there was to be a going back to roots, why not make it a shocker?
"You can all find a Bible somewhere. The Bible is a classic book which most probably corresponds to the definition of a classic: a book everyone can talk about and that no one has read. You probably may not have been reading the Bible these last days. The Bible is more than a book. It is a collection of books which form the library of God. In philosophy, the Bible is but one opinion amongst many. Since its opinion has influenced a considerable amount of people, it merits our attention. The Bible contains the New Testament, which mainly consists of the life of Christ and of his first disciples. The Bible also contains the Old Testament, which often seems odd but which cannot however be dissociated from the New Testament. If we must explore our heart, mind and body, why not do it in an odd way?"
The teacher was odd. He asked his students to read "Leviticus", "Deuteronomy" and the "Song of Songs".
The objective of the essay: a personal reflection on human love and sexuality in answer to human love as presented by the Old Testament.
The disorientation was massive. Imagine a "grown-up" teenager who has just slammed the door at home. He sits down and opens the huge book he has been assigned. He starts browsing through one of the chapters. Oh, what's title? Ah, yes, there it is: "Deuteronomy".
He reads: "If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son, who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they chastise him, will not give heed to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall purge the evil from your midst; and all Israel shall hear, and fear." (Deut. 21: 18-21)
What kind of savages were these people? What has that to do with love and God? A father and a mother have their kid killed because he wants to live his own life? That's nuts.
There were enough instances where everyone recoiled with amazement, horror or disgust. A guy has a sperm discharge, and he becomes unclean. A girl has her menses, and she too is said to be unclean. You'd think these people didn't know anything about natural things.
Sexual freedom was blown to smithereens. A fellow has a good time with a woman and both are to be killed. A husband finds that his wife is not a virgin when they are married, and she is stoned to death. And when a guy toys around with his slave, literally raping her, what does God have to say? Only: "If you are tired of her, let her go freely: don't sell her off for money and do not mistreat her, since you have possessed her."
Well the medicine had its expected results. Claws came out, revulsion was expressed, and also incomprehension. Feelings were bewildered. In the worst case scenario: if that was religion, glory be to the sexual revolution. In the best case scenario: luckily the law of Moses was superseded by the law of Christ: "I also do not condemn you." (I'd comment in the margin of the essay: "Remember what followed: ‘Go and sin no more.’")
But another feeling was also awakened. There was the "Song of Songs". If the two other chapters ("books") were bitter, this one was sweet.
She says: "O that you would kiss me with the kisses of your mouth! For your love is better than wine, your anointing oils are fragrant, your name is oil poured out… My lover is mine, and I am his. … Asleep in my bed, night after night, I dreamed of the one I love. … My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh, that lies between my breasts. … I am sick with love."
He says: "Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. … How sweet is your love, … my bride! how much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips distil nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; … How graceful are your feet in sandals, O queenly maiden! Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand. Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. … I come to my garden…"
Finally: "Love is strong as death … Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly scorned."
This story, read in solitude in one's room could excite a boy and get a girl dreaming: a mixture of sex and tenderness blended into a loving heart. And this is Bible! It certainly beats anything taught in religion class or preached from the pulpit.
The comments about the "Song of Songs" were definitely more interesting than those about "Leviticus" and "Deuteronomy". Many contrasted the insanity of the latter, devoid of love and sex, with the beauty of the first, where they found love, love, and more love. As expected.
There were exceptions. Some went beyond the flutters of sensitivity. After all, a girl might have experienced a vaginal infection. And some boys know that if they do not wash regularly, they can get an unpleasant smell between their legs. In hushed words, there is mention of disagreeable ills. A few students had begun thinking, some with the help of college library books. Hebraic uncleanness was not exclusively a moral category. It was also physical. When sex is not kept physically clean, diseases appear that can be transmitted. And when a sexual disease is transmitted, it becomes an ethical matter. People had begun to talk about herpes, an incurable sexually transmitted rash. Some were beginning to be distrustful of the sexual body. There was also talk of a new illness, AIDS. AIDS is apparently a matter of life and death. Was it therefore foolish for a people that was coming out of the midst of sacred prostitution in Egypt, to be careful with sexual hygiene?
The real breakthrough came from a few who understood the beauty and grandeur of love… and the consequent ugliness of tampering with love. In varying ways, I was told: "The three chapters (books) have the same conception of human love. The Song of Songs reveals what love is all about and Leviticus and Deuteronomy insist that this love must not be destroyed."
But what about the violence in the Old Testament…?
Teachers know that the most unpleasant part of their trade is grading papers and exams. It personally makes me miserable and I do not refrain from groaning and moaning. Transforming a comprehension or an incomprehension into points (numbers) is like becoming a merchant of art or like transforming the Mona Lisa into numbers or pixels. It's feasible but totally different from art and understanding. The goal of this school exercise was a better understanding of the human happiness we seek for ourselves and those we love. Unfortunately, giving points is the only assured way a class will do the work. So I converted my students' writings into numbers from 13.5 to 19 on twenty, trying to be fair to their sincerity, their ability to put their ideas in order and their insight.
Each essay got a personal comment and I came back to class with a list of fifteen comments for everyone.
On the disturbing point of violence:
Imagine coming into a place of prostitution, where pimps sell their women's charms and occasionally beat them, where women lie to men and only want their money, where men just want ass and a good time from a woman...
Imagine coming into a place where people exploit other people, steal from them, terrorise them, use violence and rape, and despise them; it's a place where an insult is unpardonable, where vengeance implies the massacre of the enemy and his own people...
Imagine coming into a world where a child is only considered as added help, something used then left off to die, or something sacrificed to the gods...
Imagine meeting people who don't respect others, who believe in brutality, in the pursuit of pleasures and satisfactions, and who will respect you only in as much as you yourself are brutal, an exploiter, a pleasure-seeker and a violent person...
Imagine loving these people, and therefore wanting to thaw their frozen hearts, so they can discover the reality of their souls, and become awake to the value of themselves, their wife, their husband, their children, by learning to really love...
What would you do?
Would you read to them from the "Song of Songs"? They'd respond with lewd laughter about the woman's breasts, thighs and garden. And when she cries out for her beloved, you'd hear remarks of the kind: "Come on little lady, he's visiting other gardens."
In a town in Quebec, on the eve of his wedding, a young man was kidnapped, for fun, by friends who brought him to a strip joint. There they tied him and paid the girlie girls to play with his family jewels. Fun for fools. Consider the love's humiliation. The humiliation of love that is ‘strong as death’.
Among such people, you have to be as ferocious as they are. The difference will be in the goal of that ferocity: using it for their own good, instead of the exploitation of others. Ferocity alone will gain their respect. They will proudly claim that he is their leader. A true leader. He imposes a strange but demanding behaviour. He's tough. He forbids the killing of a slave used for love-making. He even has her freed after she has been used. He forbids sexual kinkyness. He doesn't allow us to copulate with animals nor with people of the same gender, etc. That's rough. But he is a real gang-leader who is taking us places."
And, in time, they'll become conscious of the fact that the little woman isn't only lusty: she's somebody, loveable and to be loved. They'll learn through the law of sternness what they can do through the laws of love. Finally, the harsh laws of sex will prove to be text-book instructions for the correct use of love.
In other words, if you truly love someone with all your heart, your body and your mind, in desire and in giving, you will understand that people who attack this gift and blessing — this love, this friendship, this union of two who become one — are tearing out your heart, your body and your mind.
The power of love itself is a reason for the ferocity with which its enemies are fought.
If the right to take away the life of the body is wrong, how could it be right to take away the life of the heart?
The "Song of Songs" is love. "Leviticus" and "Deuteronomy" are the prizing of love."
The class was silent. Each picked and chose what he wanted and left the rest. They were all glad that everyone had passed.
Those who disliked religious abstractions could still take cover in the idea that love is feeling. Love is in the sensitivity. And science could analyse our needs.
The sensation of love would be the subject of the second assignment.
* * *
"Dear, quick! Come here!", I called Danielle.
She was cleaning up the kitchen after supper before breast-feeding the baby. The urgency of the call tore her from her occupation and sent her into the living room where I was watching television.
"Sit down and look at this commercial", I asked her.
There was little time to lose. She sat down and watched a commercial about bras by Wonderbra.
Then I asked: "Well, what do you think?"
She asked what I meant.
I gave her the problem: "You are a woman and you have just seen a commercial made to sell bras to women. I am a man and get the feeling that commercial is made for me. I do not understand why the Wonderbra company would be trying to sell its product to me or why it believes I should be the one to convince you to buy it. In other words, what's in that commercial for a woman?"
Danielle told me, and we both admired the professionalism of the Wonderbra marketing people.
The same commercial viewed by a couple was sending off two different messages at the same time. Except for the improbable case where the couple would talk about it, the man and the woman would both want the woman to wear a Wonderbra, but with totally different reactions.
At that time, there was even active war going on against "sexist" commercials. A dishonour prize was voted for the ad considered making most use of a woman's body to sell its product. Yet, the number of woman activists eagerly sorting out the bad ads never said a word against the Wonderbra commercial that was aired regularly. The commercial that hit bellow a man's belt and went undetected. Strange? Not really, when the sexes are so ego-concerned that they live in isolation in the same home, in front of the same TV and even in the same bed.
Scene one: A lady properly fitted in her Wonderbra, is finishing up in front of her mirror and raises her dress, secreting her chest.
Danielle: The woman likes to be comfortable and is getting ready for a rendez-vous.
Georges: Did you see the camera diving into her brassiere as the woman covers herself? Wow!
Scene two, part one: The lady arrives at a theatre during practice. On stage, a handsome choreographer directs a group of young women fitted in tight tights rehearsing modern ballet.
Danielle: The woman is liberated. She is not the kind that waits for a phone call at home. She goes out and gets her man.
Georges: Look at that beautiful woman coming for the guy. He doesn't have to do anything. It's the girl coming for him!
Scene two, part two: The lady is at the top of a hall of empty seats. Her man is down on stage. The camera zooms up to the lady. The camera zooms down to the man.
Danielle: The woman looks down upon the man. She clearly dominates the situation.
Georges: The camera zoomed up to her breast catching its form perfectly. The woman is ripe for the picking.
Scene three: The lady blows a kiss to her man who answers with a glance of admiration. One of the dancers sees their eyes meet. She glowers with jealousy.
Danielle: The man admires me and prefers me. He flatters my self-esteem.
Georges: He's got the woman… and he can also have a second one. Wow! Two women for one man.
In other words, breasts revealed by their covering are offered to me in my living room seducing the male itch in me; all the while my wife is basking in the joy of being admired and personally preferred. And the song melodiously chants the magical word "Wonderbra-a-a-a". She should normally be thinking: "How comfortable I would be in a Wonderbra bra." And subduing his turmoil, her husband should someday hopefully suggest to his wife: "Don't you think you would feel good in a Wonderbra?" That attention would send her shivers of tenderness whilst he would be drooling over erotic fantasies in his mind.
To be sure, I put the question to her: "You find nothing erotic in that commercial, do you?"
"Oh no! Not at all. It only promises a marvellous evening where the woman will be the centre of a man's attention."
* * *
The feeling of love was at a low point. Even though breast-feeding didn't allow the fusion of the spouses, she would have liked him to help her analyse her signs of fertility and infertility. She wanted his care in that manner. But he was a man. He didn't want to impose himself: self-restraint was his part. Evaluating signs was hers. Since the link, the bridge, between them was blocked, she did not feel the homage demonstrated by his attitude and he did not feel the distress generated by his distance.
Thus they lived their pre-nuptials with some estrangement. This didn't help sorting out the future. Would they follow the medical injunction and limit their total intimacy to the infertile periods or would they risk a second Caesarean at the end of a year of convalescence? As far as he was concerned, he wouldn't bother himself with that question until it was time to. As for her, she had occasional nightmares in which she died at delivery and was also afflicted by the thought of bearing no more of his children. In order not to wound or scare the other, both kept their fears for the future to themselves.
Richard sucked well. He offered his mother security. He delayed the return of the menses, of the calculating and he delayed Dad's return.
* * *
Our twins were now in their first year of Primary school. After the smooth cruising of kindergarten, it was time to work. Once again, they proved to be different and therefore autonomous. They had neither the same facility nor the same difficulty.
That summer, Marie had jumped on her bicycle and ridden into open spaces, whilst Isabelle fretted and remained a pedestrian. Marie had fearlessly enjoyed the trapeze bars in our yard, whilst Isabelle didn't dare. With classes, the opposite happened. Isabelle was learning successfully whilst Marie, in another class of the same level, was panicking during her exams.
We admired the school teachers' dedication to their work especially in Primary school. The fact that Danielle had taught Primary school for a year helped her understand a teacher's personal implication at that level. Marie's problem validated our trust. Once she miserably failed a math exam, her teacher kept her after school. The teacher gave Marie some gentle encouragement and another chance at the test. The pressure left. Marie read the questions with a refreshed mind and answered as best she could. She got over 80%.
Afterwards, the teacher kept shoring Marie's confidence and by the end of the school year, Marie was getting grades equal to Isabelle's. The latter jumped on her own bicycle and mastered the trapeze the next summer.
Usually, enthusiasm in grade one came from reading better and better and finally competing with the other intellectuals in the family. Two years before, Philippe had read fluently by Christmas time. And the twins were eager to do the same to be able to read all the comic books and books with pictures in our house.
Unfortunately, teachers and students were hit alike by bureaucracy. Till then, La Pocati re's teachers in Primary school had managed to control the damage done by the pedagogical experimentation attempted by the Ministry of Education and had struck a good balance in teaching language by subtle and intelligent interpretations and nuances of the ministerial directives. Undoubtedly, the flow of experience also allowed them to come back to a measure of common sense after some years of revolution.
Now teachers were again being tortured with a method of teaching invariably "new", "revolutionary" and "scientific". They went through numerous days of pedagogy and teaching renewal. Then they came back in class with "global reading". The children would no longer learn the letters of the alphabet, and the sound groups that resulted from their combinations, in order to be able to read any word. They would first see and hear complete words. Their memories were asked to record the forms of the words and associate them with the sounds. At first, the children were able to read preselected sentences quickly, giving the illusion of an increased reading ability. But when the time came, as it had to, to begin identifying sounds and the letters of the words the habit first given of learning complete words by heart had to be undone for the other approach. And the children would be puzzled and insecure. At the end, it took them a full year of anguish to learn what had previously been learnt with relative ease in half a year.
Of course, "experts" know best, especially better than stupid parents who have never graduated in their field. But ignorant Danielle had some experience in teaching. Better still, she had a few years of experience in following and helping her children through class. Her private laboratory soon proved to her beyond doubt that the new pedagogy was all wrong. The homework took endless time. Isabelle and Marie both had tremendous difficulty in doing gruelling and sluggish work that should have been easy and productive by former experience.
Danielle complained to the teachers. But these had been retrained by Ministry of Education "experts". They had learned that the failure of the reformation of teaching would be the proof of the teachers' incompetence. So they answered we were comparing persons of different abilities. Of course, Philippe had learned very fast. But Philippe, everyone knew, was a brainy child. Marie and Isabelle were ordinary and we shouldn't worry if they were more time than their older brother to learn the same thing.
However, Danielle knew that the twins' difficulties were a new kind of problem. Johanne was not brighter than the twins, and yet she never had the kind of problem they had. And the new frustrations would be the same the following years with François, who was on the same level as the twins, and with Jean-Paul, who was brainy like Philippe.
Danielle tried to find a way to come back to earth. In vain. The teachers and the local school administration didn't have the proper authority to return to an intelligent mode of teaching. "Global teaching" was a must. Of course, we survived…
A few years later, we would taste a sweet (but useless) revenge when a teacher in the same school, some grade up, saw her own child going through the same learning difficulties because of globalism. Worried, she went to the colleague who taught her child and was told the same thing as everybody had been told: "Your child is a unique case. The others do not have any problems learning."
A specialist of practical technical work suggested, from his experience in physical matters, that "It's normal there should be experts in the Ministry of Education to help the practitioners of tomorrow."
"That may be," we answered, "but one can't very much be an expert in teaching without teaching. Anyway, you know that bureaucrats care for their jobs. Do you realise how upsetting it would be if real teachers were allowed to really teach? Think of all the jobs in pedagogy that would be chopped off."
Chesterton called those people "mystagogues". They construct mysteries contradicted by experience and wield sophisticated words to hem the latter in. Whenever results are dismal, the teacher fears she doesn't know how to teach, the child is convinced he can't learn, the parents are made to believe they are out of touch with the patterns of learning. The only person who is correct is the system builder. He alone is in step and the proof that all others are out of step comes from the fact that they disagree with him.
